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phonecall
ueda
After wondering around Gifu for two weeks, I returned to Tokyo empty-handed and heavy hearted. Jin took me out for dinner on the day I returned and watched with a calm gaze as I cried into my steak.
"Tatsuya," he said gently. "He's how old? He can take care of himself."
"But he's stupid!" I sobbed, pushing my plate away.
"You always say I'm stupid."
"You are! You're both stupid!"
"Tatsuya..."
For the next few weeks or so, I drifted around like a lost soul, having no idea when concerning Ryo. Kay Tee had screamed profanities at me when I told her I couldn't find him, with Kumiko and Jae Hoon restraining her and pleading for me to leave.
And I lived like that until the phonecall.
"Ueda Tatsuya speaking."
"Hey."
The apple in my hand fell to the kitchen bench and I grabbed my jacket, ready to meet him the second he said so.
"Where are you?"
"Gifu."
"Catch a bus back to Tokyo. I'll pick you up and - "
I stopped, straining to hear what I thought I had caught a moment before.
"Ryo?"
"Yeah?"
"What was that?"
A woman's voice had filtered into the mouthpiece from his side. A voice of a young woman, and another.
The next moment was a blur.
"Hey Kana. Miura! C`mere!"
"Ryo, hold this for me?"
"Daddy!"
My blood ran cold. I hung up.
August.
September.
October.
November.
"Look Tatsuya. It's snowing."
Dully, I lifted my gaze to see specks of white decorate the glass panes of the window. Jin watched as my expression remined unchanged and sighed, before sidiling over on the couch and pulling my frozen frame to his.
"It's December. Did you want to go somewhere for Christmas?"
I didn't reply as I continued to stare at the falling snow.
"You know I love you, right?"
I didn't noticce Jin had left the room. I only realised he was gone when the window was coverred with white and I was shivering from the cold.
"Is she pretty, Nakamaru?" I was questioning my best friend about his new girlfriend, whom he had accquired whilst I was in Gifu.
"Incredibly. And she likes it that i wear vests."
I nodded vaguely in agreement and he looked at me with concern.
"It's for the better, no?"
Sometimes, I wondered who the girl was. Did she have black hair like Ryo? Black eyes like Ryo? Did she love Ryo like how I do?
He hadn't called since that day. My heart had broken, and I couldn't find the pieces.
- tags:chapter
- feeling a little:indifferent
 - listening to:Pretty Boy - 2NE1
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wait till the end of this month.
start.
- tags:episode
- feeling a little:uncomfortable
 - listening to:Pretty Boy - 2NE1
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... i'm finding it hard to breathe.
end.
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i've had this playlist on repeat for a while now. it's nice, very not rnb&hip hop and speaks for itself. just wanted to put it up here in case i lose all my music and i'm trying to find these titles again.
breakeven - the script
one last cry - brian mcknight
you found me - the fray
i'm yours - jason mraz
secrets and regrets - pillar
wasteland - 10 years
who knew - pink
i don't believe you - pink
i believe - blessid unions of souls
wonderwall - oasis
someday - rob thomas
beautiful day - saving abel
the day you went away - wendy matthews
kiss goodbye - wang leehom
they're nice songs. good with a warm fire, hot chocolate and someone you can share memories of tears, laughter and friendship with. some of them also have a deeper meaning to me; speak for me. but, like most songs, they rise, they fall, and end up fading away into the back of your head till you recognise it vaguely when it comes on the radio. with any luck, my feelings and the memories that go hand in hand with some of these particular songs will follow that pattern.
- tags:episode
- feeling a little:melancholy
 - listening to:beautiful you - saving abel
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it's been exactly a month since SA's been 'back'. and although she wants to lie and give you tales of whirlwind romances with beautiful men and laughter with friends over delicious cocktails, she can't. because that's what they would be. lies.
... hi. i'm SA.
how are you?
... i've been, 'recovering'.
really?
well, i'm trying to. but it's kind of hard when you're mindfxcked by his existence every single day.
... expand?
everything i see, say, do, hear - i hate. penguins. if i see one, i'm going to stab it. and it made me cringe for awhile whenever i saw the plushie that was connected to the keys we use at work. yes. it's a cute, adorable, fat penguin. a little grubby. ... i want to rip its head off.
... well.
i saw a car that looked exactly like his today. i wanted to slash its tires.
... violent tendencies?
that's the thing. only the materialistic things. when i see him online, i freeze. i want to talk to him, but i can't. when i see photos of him on facebook and things like that, i want to cry. when i smell the scent he used to wear, i literally go insane and want to press a gun to my head and pull the trigger. i say i'm recovering. recovering from being broken, yes, but what the hell am i now? is it better now? now that i'm acutally functioning again, but -
it'll get better.
sure it does. it always gets better. he, got better. he's, not hurting.
... you don't know that.
oh, shut the fxck up.
i'm a size 5 in denim now. you can't find size 5 though. they don't exist. i'm too small to fit in the smallest size. that may be a problem. and i'm sick of my parents fighting. fight away, but don't drag my brother and me down with it when you're fxcking pmsing over something YOU started, mother dearest.
i'm so over this.
live it up, drink it down, and keep walking.
... so why does the road look so long and empty?
- tags:episode
- feeling a little:aggravated
 - listening to:say goodbye - chris brown
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